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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062134">Too soon, too much</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathma/pseuds/mathma'>mathma</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>#GouKi2020 on twitter [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Inazuma Eleven, Inazuma Eleven GO</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, GouKi2020, GouKiWeek, I admit that I don't remember it that much, M/M, Pain, Pining, day five: forgive, so sorry for the mistakes, somewhere in the first season of IEGO</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:28:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathma/pseuds/mathma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gouenji's identity as the Holy Emperor is finally revealed. At this point, Gouenji asks Kidou to see him at the top of Inazuma's tower. They have a painful talk.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gouenji Shuuya/Kidou Yuuto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>#GouKi2020 on twitter [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Too soon, too much</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The view from Inazuma’s Tower was beautiful. No matter how much time had passed, neither if it was dawn or sunset. Gouenji still kept that place deeply at heart.</p><p>But he knew very well that it had been sly from him calling Kidou here, since for him it was the same.</p><p>So he wasn’t expecting anything.</p><p>But he was definitely surprised when he saw him come, his curly head of hair and his wide shoulders appearing from down the stairway to the tower. He detached from the iron railing, peeking at him as he came up to reach the top. When he arrived, it was like he hadn’t moved at all: he crossed his arms, all serious and put together, like the climb hadn’t required any effort from him. That reminded him about someone deep in the past.</p><p>“Did you want to see me?”</p><p>Even his tone of voice hadn’t changed after all, but Gouenji didn’t truly wanted to think about it, since <em>he</em> was definitely the one who had changed. And that sense of nostalgia lingering in his mind couldn’t belong to him anymore.</p><p>“Yes,” he said, flat. “Thank you for coming”.</p><p>Kidou’s lips closed in a straight line. He was upset, he could tell it. But he knew he would have listened to anything he had to say.</p><p>“Now that you had looked deep into the Fifth Sector, you know who I am. And you know where I have been for the past years,” he recalled, his hands open in front of him like he was surrendering. “The reason behind my disappearance is that I’m Ishido Shuuji”.</p><p>Those words left Kidou unperturbed. He didn’t move an inch of his body. But Gouenji expected it as well. He already knew, after all, maybe from the start of all this.</p><p>“I can’t reveal too much,” Gouenji admitted. “But as the end of the Holy Road come closer, you and Endou will figure out everything. That’s a promise”.</p><p>He fell silent, waiting for a response. But nothing came from Kidou’s lips, not even a sound.</p><p>“I understand your anger,” he continued. “And I’m sorry for what you and Endou had to endure since I was gone. You will get all the answers you deserve at the right time. It’s just too soon for that”.</p><p>“Too soon, uh…” Kidou repeated, calmly. His eyes were inscrutable, he could tell it even if they were partially covered by the green lenses. Gouenji nodded quietly.</p><p>For the first time, Kidou moved. He gave him his back and leaned against the railing. He looked at the horizon in front of them, beneath which the sun was going down. “Why are you saying such things?” he wondered. “Maybe it’s naïve of me to think that if you had just told us everything from the start, there would be no need for this kind of secrecy”.</p><p>Gouenji sighed. That was something he had expected: him and Endou wouldn’t have ever had permitted him to keep something for himself. And that was exactly the reason he left, in the first place: both of them would have done anything to keep him safe. Even wiping his ideals off his mind.</p><p>Even risking their own life for it.</p><p>“I know it doesn’t make sense,” he admitted, “I am in a too dangerous position right now to talk about it. I hope you’ll understand”.</p><p>Gouenji didn’t expect for Kidou to react in a such cold manner, but as soon as he felt his sharp gaze on him, he had to retract. It looked like he wasn’t the only one who had changed, after all.</p><p>“So what do you want?” Kidou asked in a harsh tone.</p><p>That was a question he wasn’t ready to answer to. In his mind, the reason behind their encounter was clear: he missed him. He wanted to see him one more time. He secretly wanted to know if he really hated him at that point, or if something was still there after all. If it wasn’t too late.</p><p>But he would have never said those things out loud.</p><p>Some things had never changed, after all.</p><p>Kidou’s voice was unusually hoarse when he spoke again. “I know what you are asking for. What you truly want from <em>me</em>, after all this time”.</p><p>Gouenji felt his heart racing. In no time, he felt thrown back in time, when they were still teens understanding each other and themselves. Kidou had always been better than him at that. And every time he was the one sorting out everything for both of them. He had promised to himself that such a thing would have never happened again, that he wouldn’t have put that responsibility solely on Kidou’s shoulders…</p><p>But now his tongue was tied and his guts were curled up tight, so much that speaking seemed to him like a unsufferable action.</p><p>Kidou returned to fix his eyes on the view in front of him.</p><p>“That time when I forgave Kageyama, I did it for me”, he recalled. “There was no need to do such a thing. But I did it anyway. Because I needed a closure to that story, you know? Something to cherish deeply, as I was ready to go on with my life”.</p><p>Gouenji remembered that time very well. He wasn’t sure why he was bringing that up, though.  Suddenly he felt uneasy, feeling like he was being compared to Kageyama. He wanted to scream<em>. I am not him, I wouldn’t hurt you, never!</em></p><p>Instead he remained quiet.</p><p>Because he was Ishido Shuuji now, and he wasn’t even sure if those words were even the truth.</p><p>He kept listening to what Kidou had to say.</p><p>“Forgiving you is not like that. Forgiving you will not satisfy me. It will not give me resolution” Kidou explained. He sounded more calm now, pensive, like he had elaborated those thoughts a long time ago. Then he turned to him again. “Shuuya… this is about you, isn’t it?”</p><p>Now Gouenji understood. He felt his eyes stitching. “Kidou…” he just whispered. He wanted to explain. He really wanted to let him know how painful it was, to know that he was the one who fucked it up for good. That he didn’t deserve anything from him after everything he had done; that he didn’t expected it either.</p><p>But then Kidou looked at him and firmly said: “I’m not doing that”.</p><p>Neither Ishido could help the gasp that escaped from his parted lips. <em>I’m not doing that</em>. Those words stuck in his head as a boulder. And they perfectly made sense, in a way. It was too soon. He said it himself. But <em>it hurt</em>.</p><p>There were no words that he could have used at that point. He remained silent, eyes burning as Ishido Shuuji strained himself to remain composed, to not move an inch. While his inner child would have just wanted to run to his lover and hold him tight.</p><p>Kidou diverted his gaze, this time towards the stairs. He was ready to go and to not turn back. Gouenji wondered if he was crying as well. But all he saw was the reflection of the grey iron on his green lenses.</p><p>“I’m looking forward to everything you will have to say after Raimon will win the Holy Road”, he proclaimed. “Because I trust your judgement, Shuuya. But this is too soon”.</p><p><em>And too much</em>.</p><p>Gouenji watched him go silently, as the last lights brightened Inazuma’s rooftops, the rolling hills, and the traces of his first tears.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*that "hamster singing and crying with a microphone under the spotlight" meme* baby you are my ANGELLLLLLL</p></blockquote></div></div>
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